to capture love

i love weddings! the dress! the flowers! the music! the love! the cake!

my sister recently got remarried and when i found out they hired the photographer for the ceremony only, i took it upon myself to photo-document the reception. because this is the 2nd marriage for both my sister and my new brother-in-law, they had a small ceremony followed by a reception at their home with about 25 or so adults and about 10 kids. i took a few pictures at the chapel and during the ceremony, but the bulk of my photos were from the reception. in addition to capturing the major events – the toast and the cake cutting – i tried to get pictures of everyone who was there as well as pictures that captured the decor {my sister got the Martha Stewart gene so it looked awesome!} and the ambiance. i had no idea how many pictures i had taken until i uploaded them to the computer. over 150!!!  if i took that many, how many does a professional photographer take for a reception with more than 30 people? good heavens, it must be a lot!

it took me a while to finish editing all 150+ pictures and during that process i  realized a few things:

1. i know why photographers charge so much! i kind of understood this while listening to a friend talk about her photography business, but i get it on a whole new level now!

2.  a clean lens makes a huge difference! {oops!}

{see that spot in front of her face on the edge of the tv? and the one on his left leg just below the jacket? yeah… those aren’t bubbles…}

3. i’m a sucker for black and white wedding pictures.

4. i took 130 pictures at the reception alone and there were only about 40 people there – i can’t imagine how many i would have taken if it had been larger!

5. my sister is ridiculously-Duchess-of-Cambridge photogenic! {and i’m totally jealous!}

{see how she just looks awesome, even though she has a mouth full of cake? at my reception, our photographer captured a similar picture, but my mouth was hanging open and my eyes were mid-blink making me look like a spaced-out pothead. that one did not make it into our wedding album, but this shot of my sister can totally make it into their album.}

6. i need a better camera – even if i shoot in manual, a point and shoot just doesn’t do a reception proper justice.

7. photography is a fun hobby, but i don’t think i’ll ever get paid for it.

8. playing photographer is a great way for an introvert to be part of the action at a party without exhausting oneself by pretending to be an extrovert.

looking for a photographer for your wedding? don’t hire me {ha!} and don’t be shocked by the what they charge. it’s a lot of work, both during the event and afterwards to create images you will cherish forever and it’s totally worth every penny!

congrats, lovebirds!

do the angels miss us?

it’s strange the random things that pop into your head. today on the way home after dropping the kids off at school, i was thinking about an old friend from high school. the last time i saw him was 3 years ago at a memorial for the priest from the church where we grew up. that night i also saw his mom and told her that it was good to see her again. it had been 2 years since i had seen her and my old friend. and that was at the funeral for her husband, my friend’s dad. she said it was good to see me again too but unfortunate that both times it was because of someone’s death. a sad reality these days.

i thought about how we miss the people we love when they pass, how hard it is to handle those intense emotions. despite being Christians and believing in a spiritual life after a physical death, it’s still hard for our physical, human bodies and minds to come to grips with the fact that our loved one is no longer here physically. we grieve and miss them terribly. we know we will see them again when we join them in heaven, but darn it! it’s just so freaking hard to be here in this physical life without them! even though we know in our spirits that they are happy to be back home in heaven with Jesus, our finite, selfish, physical selves still grieve their loss deeply.

but today, i had a new thought…..

compared to eternity, we are here on Earth for a very, very short time. to our physical bodies, it seems like a long time, especially at different stages of our lives. but as spiritual beings, as Christians, if we believe we have an eternal soul that hung out in heaven before our birth, joined our physical bodies during our lives on Earth and will ultimately return to heaven to spend the rest of eternity with God, our time on Earth is like a blink of the eye.

we miss our loved ones who have gone before us, we struggle with what seems like such a very long time to live in our physical bodies without the presence of our loved ones. but do you think the angels in heaven feel the same way? do they miss our spirits while they are down here on Earth hanging out with our physical bodies? do they miss our souls when they join our bodies at our physical creation, the way we miss the physical bodies of our loved ones when they die and their souls go back to heaven? we rejoice when a child is conceived and born and grieve when that person’s physical life comes to an end. do the angels in heaven grieve when a soul is sent to Earth at the creation of a new person and rejoice when that soul returns to heaven at the end of the person’s life on Earth?

just a thought…

i guess i’ll find out when i get back to heaven…

it’s not bad parenting, it’s SPD: how i explain SPD to other parents

my little disclaimer : i am not an OT, PT or physician or any other allied health professional that diagnoses or works with children with SPD. i am not a Sensory Processing Disorder expert. i am the mom of a wonderful little boy who has SPD and the following is my non-professional understanding of how SPD “works,” what behaviors my son has had/currently has, and what things we have done that have made a positive difference for him. the behaviors of your child and what does or does not have a positive effect on your child’s behaviors may be different.

————

my son was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder {SPD} when he was 3 ½. over the past 3 years i have been asked numerous times to explain what SPD is and why it’s not just “typical” childhood behavior. in the beginning, i was not very good at this. i would get frustrated that other people didn’t understand. i was angered by their responses –

• telling me it’s not “real”
• it’s the “latest labeling craze, like autism”
• “he just needs more discipline”
• “every kid does that”
• “my kid did/does that and they’re just fine”
• “it’s just a tantrum, ignore him and he’ll stop”
• “he’s just testing his limits”

well, folks, i’m here to tell you that SPD is real, it’s not a craze {neither is autism}, it’s not the result of a lack of discipline, every kid does not “do that” to the extent my kid does and it’s not a tantrum, it’s called a sensory meltdown {2 very different things which require 2 very different responses}. it’s not bad parenting, it’s SPD.

over time, i have learned a few things:

1. not everyone truly wants to know what’s “wrong” with your kid when they ask what SPD is
2. not everyone is going to be able to understand it – for several different reasons
3. explanations need to be as short and sweet as possible
4. be sure to tell them they don’t outgrow it
5. look for the deer in headlights response or the “oh every kid does that” response to know when to stop talking
6. when all else fails, and the conversation is going downhill, embrace your inner-Elsa and “Let It Go”

what is SPD?

if you Google SPD you’ll get several results, each one with an explanation of what sensory processing is and what sensory processing disorder is. most of them have somewhat lengthy explanations, a paragraph or two, and have examples to help it make more sense. while all of those sites do a great job at explaining SPD, they are written for the parent or professional who has gone in search of information in order to understand and learn. they aren’t the short and sweet definitions that the general public is looking for when they ask a SPD parent to explain it.

for example, here’s a rather formal definition of SPD {from the STAR Center website, which is a great resource!}:  

  “SPD is a neurophysiologic condition in which sensory input either from the environment or from one’s body is poorly detected, modulated, or interpreted and/or to which atypical responses are observed.”

this is a great definition. it makes sense to me, to professionals and to other SPD parents. but if i busted that out when talking to my family, my in-laws or other parents at school i’d get the deer in headlights look right away. and i would have immediately lost the opportunity to help them understand and to spread awareness about SPD.

after trying several different versions of explanation, here’s what i have found works best for me when i’m asked what SPD is:

it’s a wiring difference that causes the brain to either over- or under-respond to sensory input. the responses are intense enough to significantly interfere with everyday activities. it’s not something they outgrow, they have to be taught how to manage their responses appropriately.

and then i stop. the people who aren’t really that interested won’t ask any follow up questions. the ones who are truly curious, will ask more questions. i let the conversation unfold from there by following their lead and only answering what they ask.

i like this little definition because it’s not full of medical terms and it communicates that SPD is the result of a neurological difference in the brain instead of a learned behavior {thereby negating the “he needs discipline” and “it’s a tantrum” arguments}. it also let’s them know that while the behaviors may be similar to something a neuro-typical child does, these behaviors in a SPD child are magnified to such a high level that it interferes with the child’s ability to get through everyday life {negating the “all kids do that” argument}.

if the other person asks for more information, i’m happy to share with them. we usually end up talking about seekers and avoiders, the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, OT and behaviors specific to my son.

seekers and avoiders

so now you may be thinking….  seeker? avoider? meltdown? whhaaaa…..?????

here’s the way i understand it:

some kids with SPD are seekers, meaning their brains are under-responsive to certain types of stimuli and therefore they go seeking that input. other kids are avoiders, meaning that their brains are over-responsive to certain stimuli and they do their best to avoid that stimuli as much as possible.  SPD kids can be only seekers, only avoiders or a combination of both.  

sensory input modalities

we get sensory input from outside our bodies as well as from within our bodies. everyone is familiar with the classic 5 senses – sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell. those senses let us know everything that’s going on outside our bodies. but there are 3 more sense that give us information from inside our bodies – the vestibular, proprioceptive and interoceptive systems. say what??? i know, those were new words for me too.

you’ve probably heard about the vestibular system – that’s our balance system in our inner ear. it lets you know if you’re right side up, leaning to one side or about to fall down. but how about the other two? let’s discuss.

proprioception may be a new word, but it’s not anything you don’t already know. it’s how your brain knows where your body is in space and what your different body parts are doing. close your eyes, tip your head back and touch the tip of your nose with your finger. could you do it? of course you could! but how, if your eyes were closed? that, my friends, is proprioception!

interoception is another new word but you know this one already too. it’s the information your internal organs  send to your brain. like when you’re hungry or thirsty or need to go to the bathroom.

more detailed information on all 8 of the senses is available on the STAR Center website.  

how to process the information from each system comes “naturally” to the neuro-typical person. but for a child with SPD, they can be under- or over-responsive to 1 or all 8 of the senses. as a result, they don’t know how to deal with the lack of input or the overwhelming amount of input they are getting. regardless of which it is, they are struggling to process and that struggle can lead to a sensory meltdown.

tantrums vs. sensory meltdowns

a sensory meltdown may look like a tantrum to the stranger at grocery store, or even to family members who spend some time with child. but it’s appearance is where the similarity ends. a tantrum is a kid’s way of letting you know they are upset about not getting what they wanted. tantrums will stop when the kid gets what they want. tantrums are attention driven, so if you ignore the kid they will eventually stop pitching a fit. if you give in, the child learns that pitching a fit is an effective way to get what they want.

sensory meltdowns are an intense emotional response to being overwhelmed by sensory input and the kid does not have control over it {although they can learn control over time, but that’s a topic for another post}.

meltdowns do not stop if you ignore the behavior, they only stop once the stimuli is removed and the child’s sensory system returns to “normal for them.” to an SPD child, walking away from them while they are engulfed in a meltdown is basically the same as saying “i don’t care about you.” in that moment, they are drowning in an emotional response from too much sensory information. the SPD child needs help from a trusted adult to calm down, to sooth their inflamed sensory system and restore them to their “normal.” once in the clutches of a meltdown, they can’t do that alone and they may be scared by how out of control a meltdown can feel. walking away during their time of deep need is a pretty damaging thing. during a sensory meltdown, an SPD child is not giving their parents a hard time, they are having a hard time processing something and they need help.

what a meltdown looks like – for us

in our experience, meltdowns can last anywhere from 10 minutes to over an hour. they are exhausting for everyone involved and pretty much bring life to a screeching halt. as the only parent home during the day, if my son had a 1 hour meltdown, nothing got done for that hour. i sat with him, held him and rocked him until it passed. fortunately, my daughter was content to play quietly in her room and waited patiently for us to come out and join her.

to help you imagine how disruptive a sensory meltdown can be, think about this:

who has time to spend an hour sitting with only one child?

what could you/should you have been doing during that time?

what if the meltdown happens right before you need to leave for an appointment? {well, you’re going to be late or you have to call and cancel}

what if it happens at the store? {you leave your cart full of stuff right there in the middle of the aisle, head straight to the car and go home so your child can be in their “safe place” in order to calm down}

what if it happens at a restaurant? {you leave. i don’t care if you haven’t finished eating yet. you have to leave because your kid can’t meltdown at the table or in the bathroom – it’s not safe, it’s not helpful to the child and it’s majorly disruptive and disrespectful to the other diners.}

and that, right there, ladies and gentlemen, is why a sensory meltdown is nothing like a tantrum. that’s why SPD behavior and responses are not “normal, every kid does that” stuff. that right there is only one small example of how SPD interferes with everyday life and why it is a disorder and not like the “normal” behavior and/or responses of neuro-typical kids.

again, it’s not bad parenting, it’s SPD.

ok, it’s SPD. now what?

all of this may leave you wondering…. what can you do about it? how do you help these kids? how can you teach them how to process sensory information and to respond in an appropriate way?

that’s what occupational therapy {OT} is for.  and i’m happy to discuss our OT experience with you too {in another post on another day!} but for now, the next time you see a kid freaking out at the store, don’t judge the parents. you don’t know if it’s a tantrum or a meltdown. remember….

it may not be bad parenting, it may be SPD.

ideal vs. real: a tale of 2 lists

recently, i found myself making a mental list of all the things i had wanted to get done that day and a list of all the things i actually completed. not surprisingly, one list was much longer than the other. i began to reminisce about the life i had before becoming a parent and i marveled at all the things i was able to accomplish in a single day. it’s in stark contrast to the daily to-do list i now have {both ideal and realistic} and is actually a little comical {because if i don’t laugh at it i’ll cry!}.

i have such high expectations for each day – make homemade meals from wholesome, organic ingredients, be the “fun Pinterest mom” with the spotless house, fashionably on-point wardrobe and perfectly coiffed hair. my reality is oh so different! meals do not contain organic ingredients and are not always homemade, Pinterest and Facebook will be the death of my self-esteem, on a good day i’m in dark jeans, a “nice” t shirt and flats {but usually it’s faded jeans, whatever top was clean and tennis shoes and on “bad” days it’s yoga pants and a workout shirt}. my hair is a post-partum eruption of messy {read as: often frizzy} waves in the always-fashionable {insert sarcasm voice}, embracing-my-true-self color of salt & pepper.

the reality of each day’s to-do list is nothing like my ideal to-do list. because…. kids. they don’t share my deep-seated need to have a list, complete all items on the list and never deviate from the list. what can i say, i like organization and routine and i don’t like disorganization and surprises. it’s a parenthood conflict that is making me grow in ways i never thought possible!

so i thought i’d give you a little peak into my daily life and share my lists. because….  it’s nice to share {insert mommy-voice}

before parenthood:

• number of items on to-do list – 6,573
• number of items started – 6,573
• number of items completed at the end of the day – 6,573

example of some items on to-do list {in no particular order} –

• clean bathroom
• do all laundry {including sheets and towels} – wash, dry, fold, iron, put away
• grocery shop for the week
• go to gym
• get hair done
• get mani/pedi
• do own taxes
• read for pleasure
• get dressed up in latest fashion for girls’ night/date night
• attend girls’ night/date night
• volunteer at church/food pantry/humane society/etc
• sign up for charity fun-run
• meet extended family for lunch

examples of completed items on to-to list –

• everything!

after parenthood:

• number of items on to-do list – 6,573
• number of items started – 5
• number of kid-induced interruptions – 9,648
• number of items on list completed at the end of the day – 2
• number of items not on list completed at the end of the day – 483

example of some items on to-do list {in no particular order} –

• make breakfast/lunch/dinner for family
• make sure kids get dressed {anything weather appropriate counts, bonus points if the clothes match}
• bathe kids {if there is actually time and you have the energy reserves to handle the fight}
• verify all teeth have been brushed {or that toothpaste has at least made it inside all mouths}
• clean bathroom {read as: only the toilet and floor around the toilet} in attempt to get rid of pee smell
• do laundry {only the items that absolutely MUST be washed because they MUST be worn the following day; sheets, towels and other non-essential items will have to wait; ironing is done in the dryer}
• do that cute, fun Pinterest craft or science experiment you think the kids will enjoy
• create meal plan for following week
• grocery shop for all of the organic, non-GMO, gluten free items needed for next week’s meal plan
• tidy house before husband gets home so it doesn’t look like a hurricane hit the kids had a fun, stimulating, educational day playing with all their toys
• be sure to bathe self, do hair and makeup and put on something other than yoga pants and a t shirt {sad-funny how this has become an actual goal i set for myself each day  }
• attend volunteer shift at the kid’s school, the church, the local family services outreach, etc
• call, text or email family & BFF so they’ll know i haven’t forgotten about them
• shop for birthday gifts for the 460 birthday parties the kids have been invited to this month
• go through all the kids’ clothes, remove items that no longer fit and take to donation center
• try to get in a quick, at-home workout

examples of completed items on to-to list –

• fed kids
• exchanged pj’s for yoga pants and t shirt & put on extra deodorant in lieu of shower {mommy-fail}

examples of some items not on the to-do list that got completed –

• refereed countless sibling battles
• answered the call of “mommy!” and “mommy, watch this!” countless times
• set up bounce house in backyard after much begging and pleading from children who then only bounced in said house for 5 minutes
• helped child build intricate roller coaster thing received for birthday
• helped other child stock “fort” with all manner of blankets, pillows and stuffed animals
• provided small plastic containers for housing worms and ladybugs found in the backyard
• helped child find missing toy that was suddenly the most favorite and only toy that can be played with
• listened to very long, very detailed narrative of the new game the kids created
• played newly created game
• listened to very long, very detailed narrative about the topic of the day {today was lava and volcano day, yesterday was planet day}
• spent too many lost minutes standing in various rooms of the house trying to remember why i entered said room
• somehow survived until bedtime

no wonder i feel like i never get anything done! i gets loads done each day, it’s just not always the stuff on my official, written-on-the-legal-pad to-do list. it’s the stuff on my equally official, equally important to-do list that is written on my heart – raise happy, healthy, loving kids!

i wasn’t ready for this

prior to becoming a parent, i knew about a lot of the milestones kids hit during their 1st year. sitting up, rolling over, crawling, walking, talking, getting teeth. the “big” stuff like that. in graduate school i learned another interesting, less well-known, but very important, milestone – infants learn to localize sound {tell what direction a sound is coming from} around the age of 6 months. cool little fact! after becoming a parent i learned more detail about the “big”  milestones, like how many words a 12 month old should have and when to reasonably anticipate potty training. i was intellectually and emotionally prepared for all the “big” milestones.

as my kids approached school age, i looked with excitement at their move into the preschool years, i was excited about what they would learn – academically and socially – in school. i was pleased with their hunger for knowledge and novel experiences and their ability to transition from my care to the teacher’s care and the classroom. i marveled at their growing independence.

but i also learned that i was the “odd mom out” on the 1st day of school. i wasn’t sad they were going off to school. i didn’t get weepy after dropping them off. i was still happy and excited for their growth, for their new experience, for their independence. when i transitioned from working outside the home to working from home, i have to admit i was also excited about having the quiet house to myself for a few hours each day.

i was ready for all this. but i wasn’t ready for the unexpected milestones. the ones that every child achieves, just like walking and talking, but no one ever talks about them. the milestones that comes along throughout childhood and hallmark the child’s growth and development just like the “big” ones, but these just don’t get the same press. and maybe that’s why these “little” milestones hit me so hard and so unexpectedly in such an emotional way.

i wasn’t ready for:

losing teeth

sure, i knew kids lost baby teeth. i remember being excited about the Tooth Fairy visiting when i was a kid. as a mom, i had gotten little pillows with pockets for the lost teeth, so we were prepared for the 1st one to drop. ok, so we were physically prepared for the 1st one to pop out. my son’s 1st little tooth started wiggling and we were all so excited! about 2 weeks later it finally came out and what was my reaction? tears. yep, mommy cried. i held that little tooth in my hand, looked at my son’s beaming face with his big smile and even bigger gap between his teeth, and i got all emotional and weepy. and my kids and husband looked at me like i was crazy. maybe i am….

that night the Tooth Fairy came and this mommy put that little tooth, all wrapped up cozy in a tissue, in a zip top baggie and tucked it lovingly into my dresser drawer where i keep all their handmade cards and pictures. that baggie now has 4 teeth in it and has been joined by a baggie with 3 teeth for my daughter. i don’t outwardly cry anymore when they lose their teeth, but a little piece of me is saddened each time. and each time i’ll tuck that little folded up tissue away in my drawer to keep forever and tuck the memory into a cozy spot in my heart.

getting rid of sippie cups

with my kids being 14 months apart, we were in every stage of development for a loooong time. diapers? yeah, we did that for what seemed like forever {ok it was around 3 ½ years, but they were cloth diapers so it was more of a hassle than disposables and made it feel like eons!}. bottles? 2 years. sippie cups? even longer! sippie cups were such a part of our lives, that i would unconsciously migrate to the sippie cup aisle at Target – every. single. trip! getting in the car? grab a sippie! family movie night in the living room? grab a sippie! need a drink while playing outside? grab a sippie!

eventually, we made the switch to regular cups at mealtimes, but kept the sippies for all drinks consumed between meals and on the go. then came cups with lids and straws for on the go drinks and the sippies were just taking up space in the cabinet. since they hadn’t been used in quite a while, you can imagine my surprise when i got all teary over tossing them out. my husband, again, thought i was crazy. but tossing the sippies means the kids are growing up, they aren’t toddlers or preschoolers anymore, they are big kids. and my heart said “ouch!”

and speaking of big kids….

school registration for next year

ok, so this shouldn’t be a big deal. they’ve both been in school since preschool, this year they are both going full time since one is in kinder and the the other is in 1st grade. but last month we re-enrolled the kids for next year and i had to select the grades they will be going into in the fall – 1st grade and 2nd grade. holy..?!?! what….?!?! 1st and 2nd?!?! i just registered my kids for school and no one will be in a grade with a letter in it! grades with letters, you know – Pre-K, Pre-K 3, Pre-K 4, K – mean your child is still “little.” but grades that are numbers only – 1st grade, etc – are for “big” kids going to “real” school. i’m about to have 2 “big” kids! yikes! my husband, of course, thought i was crazy. but my mommy-heart said another great big “ouch!”

speaking of letters…

shopping in the “big kid” clothing section

you know the one i’m talking about. the section that starts with size 6/6x. gone are the clothing sizes with the letter “T” included. the only letters here are XS, S, M, L, & XL. and the clothes don’t have cute robots or ladybugs on them anymore. they have Sean White, non-baby-ish looking Hello Kitty, and versions of grown up patterns and designs. the clothes look very “big kid” and nothing like the “little kid” clothes in sizes 2T – 5T.

that’s where we shop now, for both kids. but i still catch myself heading to the toddler section out of many years of habit. then it’s with a slightly heavy heart i realize my kids are across the aisle yelling “mom! look at this! i love this shirt!”

my husband, you guessed it!, thinks i’m crazy. my mommy heart is crying on the inside.

and along with larger clothing sizes, comes…

needing bigger hangers

it really goes without saying that if the clothes get bigger, the hangers do too. but it caught me off-guard when i realized why everything kept falling to the floor of their closets. duh, mom! baby/toddler hangers just aren’t big enough to hold up size 6 jackets and dresses. some shirts stay on ok, but really, it’s time to begin switching out the toddler hangers we’ve used for the past 7 years and replace them with the “grown up” hangers my husband and i use.

yeah, teared up on this one, my heart whimpered a quiet “ouch.”

i haven’t told my husband about my response to this milestone, but i know he’ll think i’m crazy.

please tell me i’m not crazy, that i’m not the only mom who gets a little weepy and sad over stuff like this. what little milestones have your kids achieved that caught you emotionally off-guard? i’d love to hear your stories!